i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I accidentally burped into my bong.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
how does that bad decision feel?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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