I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
