Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
