Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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