my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
