how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
