Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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