i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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