I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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