One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Bring me that man meat
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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