Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
