I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
