New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
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