Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
