Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
