Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
