Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
