shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize