sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
