i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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