My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I need to align my fucking chakras
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
