Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
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