On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
