Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
