1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
