That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
