haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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