I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
