looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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