I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
