The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
