Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
