hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
