she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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