textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
