Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
