called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
