Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
