I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
