I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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