What did we do last night that was yellow?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize