Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
