can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
barbara walters just said penis...
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
