i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
