Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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