i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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