My underwear smells like fireworks.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
