I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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