Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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