I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
