Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
