careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
