remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
