How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
