Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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