Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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