jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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