Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
