I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
