so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
