I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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