Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
